June 9th, 2009 by Sydney
On Sunday at this year’s Fanime Con in San Jose, CA, a panel called “How to Talk to Girls” was held. Three people (two girls and a guy who’s names I didn’t catch since the room was so loud) sat at a table in a large conference room, answering questions and giving advice to audience members. I wish to God that the panelists gave better (and louder) introductions about themselves because I’m reeeeally curious to know what qualified them to be up there giving the advice they gave.
(If anyone out there knows, please fill me in.)
First of all, they kept encouraging the boys in t
he room to stick to the “Friend Zone” strategy when trying to obtain a girlfriend. Picture this: Only a few minutes into the two hour discussion, a boy approaches the microphone that stands at the center of the crowed, musky room and says something like, “So I’ve been in this girl’s friend zone for like six years. How do I like get out of the friend zone?” The panelists tell him that the Friend Zone isn’t always bad and that he should stick with it while showing more obvious signs that he’s interested in this girl-friend of his. For example, maybe he should get a little more physical with her, hugging her hello and goodbye or something like that if he doesn’t already, patting her on the back or arm, etc. Seconds later, a group of girls dressed up like Nintendo controllers, who happen to be sitting directly in front of bloggers Senna, Kristy and I, jump up and stomp over to the microphone. They start squawking about how every boyfriend they have ever had started out in their Friend Zone and that sometimes a guy’s just gotta hang in their until the girl is ready to go out with them. The panelists nod their heads in what looks like… agreement? Or maybe they don’t really agree but their “Uh huhs” and “Yeahs” certainly don’t make them sound like they object much to what the Controllers have said.
Moments later, another girl runs up saying that her current boyfriend and her were friends before they took it to a more intimate level. She goes on to suggest, “You should invite her out, preferably at night so you can light some candles get some mood light going. Then put on some Barry White.” Or was it Barry Manalow. Shit, I don’t remember. But it was something along those lines. I look around the room and the sea of fanboys that surrounds me appear to be absorbing every word these girls say like they’re coming from the mouth of George Lucas himself. Or Hideo Kojima. Or whoever it is that they worship.
To my left, Senna is shaking her head and crying, “No! Don’t listen to them! The Friend Zone doesn’t always work!” I then turn to my left and see a frowning Kristy, who let’s out a simple, “Oh God,” from under her breath. I join in with their cries of concern. First, a soft “No.” Then louder. And louder. “No… no… NO!! OH GOD, NO! DON’T DO IT!” Senna and Kristy join in, “No! It doesn’t always work! It’s not a perfect system! Just be up front about it! If she’s interested, she’ll let you know! Don’t be creepy!” I look up and I see that the Controllers are back sitting in front of us again. Oh shit! I think the Super Nintendo Controller just shot me the Evil Eye!
Finally, the three of us have had it, or at least Senna and I have. The two of us get up and wait in the line that’s now formed behind the microphone. When it’s finally our turn, we let ‘em know what’s good:
“Sorry, guys. We’re not trying to rain on anyone’s parade but we just thought that you should know that the Friend Zone DOES NOT always work, despite what everyone here has been saying. You run the risk of freaking the girl out and losing her as a friend by making moves on her out of the blue. Sometimes the best thing is to just be upfront about it in the beginning. If she’s into you, she’s into you. If she’s not, let it go.” The panelists finally start talking a little sense. “Oh yeah. Sometimes the girl just isn’t into you, even if you’re her friend first.” And then Senna says out of wholehearted empathy, “Oh, and also, don’t put video games before your girlfriend. And don’t be an idiot. It’s that simple…” The room chuckled as if that was not a possibility-I mean video games or your girlfriend, come on! No wonder you are sitting in a panel about how to talk to girls.
Senna and I go back to our seats and let out a sigh of relief, relief that only lasts maybe two seconds as another nervous-looking boy steps up to the microphone. He asks, “What do you do when you’re talking to a girl and it gets awkward?” The panelists’ advice? “Sometimes the best thing to do when a situation gets awkward is to talk about how awkward it is. Say something like, ‘Hey! This is awkward!’” I almost fall out of my chair. Are you kidding me? For the next 15 minutes, the panelists reiterate to the group over and over that the best thing to do in an awkward situation is talk about how awkward it is. Uh, are you kidding me? This isn’t some cutesy Ryan Reynolds romantic comedy! This is real life! With real girls! Sure maybe some guys can pull that off but come on! At this point, the three of us have had it. Holding nothing back, we start shouting, “No! No! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!” But alas, our cries fall flat, inaudible and lost among the mumbles of the misguided lost boys and the musings of the “How to Talk to Girls” panelists. It’s no use. We keep our mouths shut for the rest of the discussion and eventually leave quietly.
Of course, these were only two situations brought up during the two-hour talk. I’m sure some advice they gave was at some point helpful to somebody in that room. But honestly, we can’t really remember much of anything else that was said. Maybe we mental blocked it. Who knows? Oh! Except for the first kid to ask a question during the panel. I don’t remember what he asked, only that it started with, “So me and my girlfriend– ” Before he could finish, some guy in the back cut him off, shouting, “LUCKY.”
